Lazy, Difficult Or Self-Sabotaging: What's Going On With Your Teen?
"They're not being difficult. They're being protected — by a part of their mind that formed a very firm view, a long time ago."
You may have wondered why your teenager won't try something new, dismisses every compliment before it lands, or walks away from opportunities they clearly care about. This episode explores what's really going on underneath — and why the answer almost certainly goes back further than you think.
The story starts in a sixth form boarding house, with forty-five high-achieving students and one therapist's TED talk that changed everything. What Marisa Peer's work revealed about the teenage mind — and about our own — is one of the most practically useful things I've ever learned. And once you see it, you genuinely cannot unsee it.
IN THIS EPISODE, YOU'LL DISCOVER:
Why the belief "I am not enough" sits at the root of so many teenage struggles — and where it actually comes from
How a single childhood moment can install a belief that quietly runs behaviour for decades
Why self-sabotage isn't laziness or defiance — and what the subconscious is actually trying to do
What Steven Bartlett and Jefferson Fisher's conversation on Diary of a CEO reveals about why the same arguments keep repeating
One question and one action to try this week that could shift everything about how you respond to your teen
KEY INSIGHT: Your teen's most frustrating behaviour is rarely about the moment in front of you. It's about a conclusion they drew about themselves — often years ago — that their mind is now quietly working to protect.
ABOUT RTT — RAPID TRANSFORMATIONAL THERAPY: Developed by Marisa Peer, RTT combines principles from hypnotherapy, neurolinguistic programming, psychotherapy and cognitive behavioural therapy into a single, solution-focused method.
Marisa Peer's original TED talk: You Can Change Your Life — Just Change Your Mind
Overview of RTT and the research behind it: marisapeer.com
THE SCIENCE BEHIND THE SUBCONSCIOUS: Research consistently shows that the vast majority of our decisions, behaviours and emotional responses are driven by subconscious processes rather than conscious thought.
Custers, R. & Aarts, H. (2010). The unconscious will: How the pursuit of goals operates outside of conscious awareness. Science, 329(5987), 47–50. Read here
Bargh, J.A. & Chartrand, T.L. (1999). The unbearable automaticity of being. American Psychologist, 54(7), 462–479. Read here
ON SELF-SABOTAGE: Self-sabotage is increasingly understood not as a character flaw but as an unconscious protective mechanism — the mind steering us away from situations where a core fear might be confirmed.
Psychology Today overview of self-sabotage and its roots: Read here
MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
Diary of a CEO with Steven Bartlett, featuring Jefferson Fisher: "The Speaking Coach: The One Word All Liars Use" — the conversation about two younger versions of ourselves in conflict begins around 57:30
THIS EPISODE IS PART OF A MINI-SERIES: The Four Disciplines That Shaped My Life — and How They Can Change Yours
Episode 14: Sophrology — the practice that started everything
Episode 15: RTT and the beliefs that quietly run everything ← You are here
Episode 16: Coaching — and how to self-coach
Episode 17: Teen Yoga
THIS WEEK'S REFLECTION + ACTION:
The question: Think of one behaviour in your teenager that consistently puzzles or frustrates you. What belief might be sitting underneath it — about their worth, their capability, their belonging?
The action: The next time that behaviour shows up, pause before you respond and ask yourself: what might they be protecting themselves from right now?
CONNECT WITH KATE
Email: Questions or topics to cover? hello@kateboydwilliams.com
Share: If this resonated, share with another parent. You can use the link on the player above.
Important: This podcast is for educational purposes only, not medical advice. If your teen is experiencing severe anxiety, please consult qualified healthcare professionals.
